Seems much of our time together is spent with me teaching him about the latest advances in veganism, over a beautiful nutritious meal, plant-based, of course.
This is not the first time I have been used for this good mission, but I’d like to concentrate on other matters like art, music, and nature, instead of searching vegan recipes and making them while teaching about the nutritious content of “animal-free” superior food.
There are few vegan restaurants in New England, unlike other parts of the US, and the option of finding one open is rare, not to mention who is expected to pay the bill! What to do for a better “quality of life experience” I deserve?
– Vegan
A. Congrats on being the first person to send me a letter about being used for a vegan education. Truly, 16 years in, this is a new one for me.
My first thought is a generous one. It’s that this man can see how passionate you are about being vegan. You probably glow when you talk about the lifestyle. Maybe he assumes that if he engages on the matter, the two of you will get closer.
That seems possible. I don’t think he’s sitting around, twirling a villainous mustache, thinking, “I’m going to use her for plant-based recipes!”
My second, less-generous take on his motives is that if you’re his vegan tour guide, he gets to be the passenger. You make all the plans, say interesting things, and then pay. Sounds great for him, but after a while, that’s not fun for you at all. You deserve to be entertained — and treated!
Maybe it’s all of the above, by the way.
Regardless, you need to tell him that a) you’d like your relationship to go beyond veggie talk, and b) you’d like more equity when it comes to who makes plans and pays. Have a real conversation, even if it’s uncomfortable.
If you enjoy the relationship, tell him that, too. It’s easier to hear criticism when you also know someone thinks you’re good company.
A last thought: if you want to send us one recipe, I’d be so happy. I’m not vegan, but I love squash, and it’s the right season for it. I’ll send you a Love Letters treat in return. We like an equal give-and-take here.
– Meredith
Readers Respond
To be used, one must be willing. You really come across as a martyr in your letter, and you’re clearly getting something out of teaching people. BONECOLD
It’s odd you think he’s “using” you. Veganism is not that special and not hard to learn. He probably just wants to spend time with you. If you want to spend time doing other things with him, speak up! Honestly, I’m kinda rolling my eyes at how difficult people make dating. STORMYWEATHERGIRL
Pick an easy but tasty recipe and tell him it’s time for him to test his cooking chops and you’ll let him know how he’s doing. When’s dinner? He’s probably more interested in you than veggies and is using it as a means to spend time with you. Or mention a movie or concert you’d like to see. And don’t go Dutch. If he can’t take a hint, pass. PRONE2XS
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s Love Letters podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
